35: How to get normaler
Breadcrumbs for people finding their way back to themselves in end times
When I first set out to write this piece, I was in an almost ecstatic place. I was feeling better. Things had shifted. After dedicating a few months to slowing down, being fully present with those I care about, and taking better care of myself, my mental compass was pointing due north once again. I was reoriented—less lost in my own thoughts.
I felt this acute sense of wellbeing on Labor Day—this accumulation of so many good days. I awoke to no alarm and lazed away in bed, watching the light stream in through my casement windows. I eventually watered my fifteen houseplants, fried up some bacon, and took in the morning as it bathed the yellow apartment in even more sunlight. In May Sarton’s words, the “inside weather” was as immaculate as what was waiting for me outside. I stretched and went for a run. Distracted by how green everything was, I gave up halfway through, opting to make a pilgrimage to a tree instead. I lay down beneath the biggest one I could find and offered up my ears and eyes. The leaves silvered in the sun, gossipy with wind. I stayed supine until I became so overwhelmed with poetic impulse that I started annoying myself.
I can’t remember if I ran home—just that I was carried back by a sense of returning to myself. I sat on a wall outside of my apartment and let my favorite playlist from my undergrad years shuffle. “You Are The Light” by Jens Lekman was followed by “I Think You’re Alright” by Jay Som and “Downtown” by Majical Cloudz—three songs that articulate what it is to give oneself over to love and lightness in a way few others do. I was moved by the music, by the day, by my life—so grateful, alive, and happy that I made myself cry. It had been so long since I felt such self-contained contentedness, and it was a relief to be reacquainted with happiness rooted in my own company. I had been working toward this feeling over the past few months. It had finally arrived, and it felt like it was there to stay. All I wanted was to capture it in writing. Then, hopefully, I would be able to retrace my steps when I lost myself again. Given the state of the world, I would eventually need to follow those breadcrumbs.
I didn’t realize how soon I’d need a map back to this version of myself, dear reader. But before I could write anything down, life intruded yet again and this sense of clarity escaped me. My untouchably perfect day ended in tears and confusion, and that sense of lowness never left. It’s all felt downhill from there. Many of the overwhelming and ~bad~ feelings I distanced myself from over the past month began cropping up more and more, crowding out my motivation and self-confidence. Discrete instances of hurt and worry amounted just as suddenly as I felt they had fallen away. This has continued to be the case these past few weeks—so much so that I kept putting off reviving Thanks, We Hate It.
After racking up so many good days in a row throughout the end of July and all of August, I am now surprised if I experience one truly good day—one day untouched by negative thought cycles or the sensation of lack of control and motivation. Even as I write this, I’m deeply saddened by the fact that I can no longer approach this piece as the July 25th version of myself that outlined how much better I was feeling and how I helped myself get there in little bullet points chock-full of optimism.
Yet, I haven’t scrapped this essay because I feel that I’ve become my target audience. And I’m hoping that writing my way back through the practices and thought processes that helped me feel more like myself will encourage me to try again. Knowing that this might be read by someone who is feeling the same way is another impetus to put it all out there. We’re living through times where good days require more effort to come about—let alone stay good. Any and all stratagems for getting by should be shared. Lastly, coming back down again has provided me with some insight into how annoyingly necessary the term “new normal” is. I’m hoping that approaching this from sadder, less certain state provides a more realistic perspective and grounds these suggestions in our current circumstances. I don’t know that I’ll ever feel “normal” again while living in conditions that are far from normal. Working toward a new version of that normal—getting normaler, if you will—is the best one can ask for when living in what seems suspiciously like the end times. I’m writing toward the acceptance of that fact.
HOW TO GET NORMALER:
Balancing in and out. I first wrote about this concept in TWHI 26: “Sustainable advocacy & self-care.” In short, I’ve been trying to focus in on the importance of balancing how my time is spent in relation to the inside and outside. I mean this in terms of the mind (internal) and body (external) as well as physical spaces: the indoors and outdoors. When I’m feeling low, those feelings usually correspond with an imbalance in one of these areas. If I’m stressed out after spending a day working from home, I always feel better after going on a run or a walk outside. If I’m feeling burnt out after socializing and I haven’t spent time in my own apartment for days on end, I need to spend an a day at home getting my space in order and enjoying my own company. It might be a bit obvious to some, but breaking down my needs into matters concerning both inside and outside has simplified checking in with myself and determining actionable steps to feeling better. It might work for you as well.
Maintaining your space. I purposefully did not write “cleaning” here because that word is too loaded with negative experiences and I am avoiding those associations by rebranding it :^) I also find that “maintaining” a space suggests a manageable amount of ongoing activity—not the unwelcome all-day event that cleaning tends to be. If you tidy something each day, your organized space will immediately make your mind feel just as organized and you’ll save yourself time and effort later on. That dreaded cleaning day will come. If you keep your clothes off of the floor, hand-vacuum a bit, wipe down well-used surfaces, and do your dishes when necessary, those dark days need to occur less often. And when they do, they’ll be less all-consuming.
Cooking whole meals for yourself. In the early (see: dark) days of living in my apartment, I ate a cubic fuckton of noodles. This is all well and good, but I wasn’t hitting enough food groups in addition to my pasta consumption. It eventually became clear that pasta was my mealtime crutch. I would make it just because it was simple, quick, and filling. Yet, I wasn’t taking in enough nutrients and I couldn’t stay full while leaning on this staple. I needed to remind myself that both stir-frying and roasting are nearly as painless as boiling noodles. I’ve since upgraded by incorporating more meat and hearty vegetables (asparagus has been a favorite!) into my diet as well as switching up my chosen starch. Baked potatoes have been a revelation (clean, stab with fork all over, rub down with olive oil, season with garlic salt and fresh ground pepper, bake right on the rack for 60 minutes at 425, serve and top with butter, S&P, and Top the Tater®… you’re welcome!). And if you’re like me, you can and should use the almighty green smoothie to fill in nutritional blind spots throughout your day (mine includes frozen fruit, full-fat Greek yogurt, and spinach). A properly-fueled body is so much easier to inhabit.
Socializing consistently. Anna’s piece “Love & friendship” really stuck with me and caused me to rethink my priorities. For much of my life, platonic relationships with friends and family unquestionably came first. Yet, more and more of my time this year has been allocated to important new facets of my life: my full-time job, recuperating from my full-time job, and my relationship. After reading Anna’s essay, I established outstanding weekly friend dates with my closest friends in Minneapolis and made a point to see my parents once a week. I also dedicated more time to virtually connecting with faraway friends. I’ve felt so much more grounded and fulfilled ever since reprioritizing platonic love in my life and would encourage anyone who feels a bit imbalanced to try doing the same. That being said, time spent with your partner and by yourself is just as important as time spent with friends and family. If you live alone, I find that it’s helpful to try to spend about half of your week with those you love and the other half in your own company. Literal balance! Doesn’t get easier than that. [Not even broaching the topic of how bad I am at responding to DMs and texts in this section, though—just know that if I haven’t answered you yet, I am appreciative and apologetic and aware and boiling in a vat of my own hot, hot guilt! Unsure why responding textually has been so overwhelming lately! Sorry!]
Nesting. I am happy to report that my apartment finally feels like home. I cannot say enough about the extent to which the state of your home reflects the state of your mind. If your physical space is unsettled, you’ll feel just as unsettled. Take the time to carve out a comfortable living space for yourself—one filled with things you love and value. If you’re emotionally and fiscally invested in your surroundings, you’ll be encouraged to take much better care of them. Maintenance will come as close as it can to being second-nature. I’ve found that caring for living décor in the form of houseplants has gotten me into the habit of viewing household chores more positively. Moving about my apartment and checking up on my plants each week causes me to take notice of places that need tidying and gain a new appreciation for the regular maintenance of my space and the things within it. Love where you live and what you live with—you’ll start living more purposefully in due time.
Engaging with art. I firmly agree with Gerhard Richter: “Art is the highest form of hope.” If you’re uncomfortable with the way you’re currently viewing the world or existing within it, look through someone else’s eyes or step into someone else’s shoes through art. Read a novel, listen to music, visit an art gallery, or watch a movie. Move beyond yourself for just a moment; distance yourself from social media and the oft-crushing news of the world. Practice empathy and self-reflect—gain perspective on your own situation or seek solace if you need it. You can take whatever you find with you.
Unplugging and getting outside. Cue Lorde: “Can you reach me? No, you can’t.” We all really need to escape our constant exposure to blue light (which negatively affects our sleep and our health) and the many hypnotic iterations of the infinite scroll (which is so addictive it can make you sick). This can be especially hard to do if your job or education requires you to be chained to a computer each day. Finding ways to step away from screens is hard enough, but we also have to avoid filling all of our time away from the “bad screen”—your computer and its associations with work or school—with time dedicated to the “good screen”—a smartphone or a TV. Give your eyes and mind a rest by penciling in time to read, make a handicraft, put pen to paper, draw or paint, solve sudoku or crossword puzzles, listen to a podcast, stretch, work on a jigsaw puzzle, or even tidy up. A failsafe solution is to leave the indoor spaces so tied to screen-based consumption behind and go outside. Finding time for a walk or a run around your neighborhood will leave you feeling refreshed and more connected to your community. If you have the option to venture out further, swim in a body of water, lie on a sandy beach, hike through a forest, or try hammocking in a park. Immersing yourself in different environments will encourage you to bear witness to the world around you—to just be in nature.
Moving your body. Relatedly, incorporating vigorous or low-impact movement into each day has a massive impact on your mental state. Beyond stimulating endorphin production, the increased oxygenation of the brain fostered by exercise has been proven to help manage and even alleviate anxiety and depression. I’m beating a long-deceased horse at this point, but I’ve written at length about how much more energized, focused, and happy I feel when consistently moving my body. I am now much gentler with myself in terms of how I choose to move, embracing walking as a necessary alternative to higher-intensity forms of exercise like running or HIIT. A mindset I’d love to impart to everyone: what matters most is that you move. Rest days are just as important as consistent movement, but they should be earned. I definitely have to remind myself of this sometimes, but we are ultimately animals. Our natural state is not a sedentary one. We are quite literally made to move. Let’s lean into that fact and enjoy the benefits of taking care of ourselves as nature intended.
Taking breaks. Know your limits. I really got to know my own in the process of writing this piece. I attempted to have this ready to post at the end of July, but I kept missing my upload dates due to how overloaded I felt at work and outside of it. I just physically could not bring myself to write. Instead of punishing myself for not being able to juggle my creative output with labor, being present with the people in my life, and taking care of myself, I offered myself some grace. I simply admitted that I couldn’t do it all and gave myself a monthlong break from writing for TWHI. During that time, I went on my annual family trip to a tiny techless cabin on the shores of Lake Superior and spent a little over a week hiking, swimming, sightseeing, playing board games with my family, and reading voraciously. Once the week was up, I texted my boyfriend, “All of this has really helped me dislodge my creative block and find inspiration again. Just today I’ve written three outlines for various writing projects :’) It feels really good to appreciate art people have made, to be excited about making things myself again… Nice to be walking away actually feeling good instead of wishing for more time.” I found the writer in me all over again. I just needed the time to do so. While I have already shared that this sense of motivation and wellbeing eventually slipped, it is worth noting that taking another break until I felt emotionally even-keeled enough to write again brought me closer to that version of myself than muscling through ever would have. Do the kind thing and give yourself time to rest and recuperate. Sometimes the path of least resistance is the only one that can lead you back to yourself.
Providing yourself with structure. In order to stay happy, I need more structure than I ever anticipated. You might feel the same. I need to consistently check in with myself and hold myself accountable in order to maintain a sense of wellbeing and a healthy(ish!) lifestyle. “When was the last time I cleaned this/do I have the energy to make a meal/do I really need to purchase this thing/have I moved my body enough today/did I get any fresh air/do I need to unplug for a while and stop annihilating my eyes with blue light?” It’s kind of like that saying your mom or dad might have tried out on you: “I’m not your friend; I’m your parent.” There’s a time and a place for you to enable your behaviors that are fun, comfortable, or self-soothing. There are also times where you might need to lay down the law for yourself and withhold the usual indulgences until you address your needs or responsibilities. Essentially, you have to be your own best friend and caretaker. The process of determining when to assume which role is imperfect and takes time, but you (and I!) will eventually become more attuned to being there for yourself in the way you truly need to be.
A note from the September 22nd version of Haley: I am feeling a lot better after reaching out to loved ones for support, unplugging, and making a dedicated effort to take care of myself. Totally, definitely, COMPLETELY unrelated, but if anyone has experienced premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), please reach out! [[I have suspicions.]] Anyway, I just wanted to add a note that things are much better and that many of the above practices helped me through. Tried and true. So, here’s to getting normaler, everybody. Love you.
Disclaimer: This is an especially short but meaningful one-item list given how much I wrote this week and how many recommendations were included above.
“Mary” by Big Thief and this exchange with Anna. Frontwoman Adrianne Lenker wrote the breathtaking song “Mary” about a lifelong friend, saying, “There’s really nothing like meeting a real friend on this earth who holds a space for you to be yourself.” “Mary” has served as a quiet anthem for Anna and me over the years, coming as close as any song can to conveying the warmth and care of our friendship—one that is marked by a shared love of language and a transcendence of time and place. I even cross-stitched its lyrics for Anna upon our graduation from college, knowing we were headed different directions: “Full of field and stars / You carried all of time.” Beautifully and serendipitously, the song reentered our lives at the same time this past weekend, connecting us across space and time as it always has :’) Apologies in advance for the f-bombs. I miss you, Jan!