This past weekend, I reunited with some of my best friends from college in Austin, Texas. Some I had met up with more recently, others I hadn’t seen since we graduated almost two years ago. Leading up to the trip, I was worried that all the anticipation and excitement I had would lead me to be disappointed by the reality, that my expectations were impossibly high. Instead, it was even better than I could have hoped – four days of laughter and joy and unconditional love.
Though we all speak regularly, the weekend was an opportunity to delve deeper into everyone’s life and catch up on a much more detailed level. Some topics were especially recurrent – work, relationships, and other friendships. Our interest and care for each other’s lives often led us to lament that we aren’t geographically closer to find these things out in real time.
On the last night, we played a bastardized version of Hot Seat – less rapid-fire interrogation and more thoughtful reflection. We sat in the park on a big blue blanket and went one by one, attentively listening to each another. At one point, I was talking about my relationship and mentioned that I don’t know if it’s always right to so clearly prioritize my romantic relationship before my platonic ones, and my friends agreed. By the time I flew home, this passing thought became a very real consideration in regard to how I want to continue living my life, at least in my twenties.
It’s true that on average people are getting married and having kids later in life, and that it’s less taboo to be single into your thirties and beyond. But it seems clear to me that we still live in a world that is couple-centric – so many institutions and rites of passage are centered around the romantic union of two people: marriage, parenthood, buying property, healthcare, visas, and the list goes on. But even beyond the systemic level, there are more subtle ways romantic relationships are revered. People don’t bat an eye when I tell them I want to move to the United Kingdom to be closer to my boyfriend – uprooting my whole life and crossing oceans for one person – but I suspect that if I were to say I wanted to move to Texas or California to be close to a friend, I would be met with more skepticism.
It’s just assumed that as you age and “settle,” at least in middle-class America, you naturally gravitate to a partner and the family you create together, letting friendships fall to the wayside. It is fairly acceptable to only spend time with your significant, save for a special occasion every month or two. Heteronormativity and monogamy reign supreme, and further one deviates, the more complications arise.
Some people are challenging these notions. People like Jay and Krystle Guercio enter marriage as friends. The two educate about their partnership on TikTok and say that they find more stability and strength in their untraditional marriage. They are not alone – according to the New York Times, it’s thought that more marriages than previously thought are platonic in nature, but due to stigma, the numbers are unclear. Others choose to forgo marriage completely and raise children with friends instead of in a more conventional nuclear family format.
While these options are compelling and valid, the ways they prioritize friendship still feel stifling to me. Institutions still limit and dictate their relationships, and the emphasis continues to be on “the couple” – romantic or not. I think the alternatives also pose friendships and romantic relationships hierarchically in that one partnership has to outweigh the others. I do not think it is productive to swing to another end of the spectrum and belittle romantic partnerships, a sentiment I have seen pop up on Twitter a handful of times. Women encourage other women to “decenter romance” and preach that it’s possible to find fulfillment in yourself and your friends. While, as mentioned before, I agree that it is important to not value romance over everything, I also believe it’s not wrong to want romantic and physical love – even to the extent of finding it one of many key components of life. Platonic marriages and parenthood only reinforce an idea in which some relationships trump others, and that those relationships involve only two people.
I do not think we find liberation from heteronormative monogamous romantic relationships and the culture they perpetuate through marriage, or any other major institution, for that matter. When I think about my ideal life, the kind I was pondering on the plane, I think about living in close proximity to my friends, my family, and my partner, or at least regularly being able to visit them more. What would help me get there is not marriage, but healthcare, visitation rights, and tax benefits that are not dependent on a formal relationship, more affordable and efficient public transportation, reimagining borders and immigration, and a flexible work culture that allows for balance and genuine free time. Yes, the cultural messaging around friendships and romantic relationships needs to change – both are equally important if not essential for me to be content and fulfilled in this lifetime – but the way those things are facilitated needs to change even more.
For now, I will have to make some tough choices. Do I work my ass off to get a visa and live near my boyfriend and my little circle in London, potentially sacrificing future weekends like the one I just had in Austin? Do I get a job in the States and live within driving distance of many different groups of friends and family, continuing to navigate a long-distance relationship? I am still, like pretty much every aspect of my life, figuring it out. But those decisions are made infinitely easier when I realize how lucky I am to have love in such far-flung places; to have people who make this life worth living ten times over. No hierarchy, no limits.
Austin, obviously! Special mentions go to: Taco Joint, some of the best tacos I’ve had recently; Barbarella, one of the most fun bars I’ve had the pleasure of dancing at; the Spyglass Trailhead on the Barton Creek Greenbelt, where you can find some beautiful swimming holes; and, of course, my lovely friends.
On that note, my aversion to country music seems to have vanished overnight. We heard George Strait’s “Amarillo By Morning” on the radio as the sun was setting and we drove with the windows down. It is moments like those that have made me reconsider the genre.
Another pasta salad recommendation! This recipe from the NYT Cooking maintains freshness and lightness while still being creamy and substantial. It reminds me a bit of how I would dress a potato salad, but with brighter flavors.
I am now ready to out myself as a Friends fan. I actually tried my best to resist the show for a long time, convinced it was overhyped and not that funny. While some people may still agree with those thoughts, I’ve turned a new leaf. It’s silly, but as I’ve mentioned before, I really need light, playful shows that I can unwind to at the end of the day.