45: 25 things learned in 25 years
Girl, wash your emotional support water bottle!
Happy new year, all :^) Thanks for being here with us in 2022. Insane to think that we’ve kept this going since 2020! A win in and of itself!
It just so happens that my TWHI posting date once again falls on my birthday. This year, I’m 25. It feels insane to write that down—to face the fact that I’ve been alive a quarter of a century. In a lot of ways, I don’t feel my age. Or maybe I don’t feel like I’ve earned my 25 years just yet. But when I sat down to consider the magnitude of being a fourth of the of the way through my life (if I’m lucky, that is!), I realized that I’ve made enough mistakes, worked hard enough to unpack and seek meaning from the experiences I’ve lived through, and fallen upward enough times that I might have some potentially helpful thoughts to offer. If you’re also trying to live with some degree of intentionality in the midst of absolutely buckwild times, maybe pushing off against some of the things that have and have not worked for me will be good food for thought as you make your way into the new year.
I had a bit of a health conundrum right at the turn of the year (more on that below lol), so this is me easing back into TWHI while still hopefully offering up something relatively meaningful. (More ~probing~ essays will be coming your way as soon as I’m fully back on my feet—I promise!) Maybe it’s also a little bit of an excuse for me to wax nostalgic at the midway point of my twenties. Either way, I hope you know how much we appreciate your willingness to sit at our table even in 2022. Keeping this outlet alive and receiving so much support from all of you has definitely been one of the highlights of my turbulent twenties. Thank you for reading and for your unending kindness. I hope the year to come is especially kind to you.
25 things learned in 25 years:
Ask “How did you expect to make me feel when you said/did that?” When I was a kid, a large swath of my forehead mysteriously became discolored—a paler, whiter stain stretched across my face. As I played soccer throughout the summer, the sun tanned every part of my face except this strange new mark, making it stand out all the more. My teammates and even some of my friends began to poke fun. I played along good-naturedly at first, but eventually it began to hurt. My mom and dad suggested that I ask the above question to whoever teased me next. I did just that, and all I can say is that it was so effective that I never heard another word about my discoloration—not ever again. This simple question has been in my arsenal ever since, and I have used it sparingly over the years in order to point out the cruelty of others’ words or actions while never deviating from the high road myself. It forces the offending person to own up to their intentions and practice empathy, and that’s a powerful thing. I highly recommend everyone consider standing up for themselves in this quiet yet effective way if the occasion arises.
Send your friends and loved ones money. Especially in the midst of hard times. Let them take care of themselves the way they know best—Venmo them the cost of a meal, or a few drinks, or some other form of self-care. Even if you can’t be with them, you can ensure that they’re taking care of themselves on you until they feel more whole again.
Put away your phone while with others. Be present with the people you care about. That is a way to show you care in and of itself.
Take too many pictures. Write any and every seemingly self-indulgent thought down. Make things to keep for yourself or give away. Document your existence and make your memories tangible. You’ll be so grateful to be able to become reacquainted with that version of yourself over time.
Back up or make copies of said pictures, writing, and art. Do not make my mistake!!! The traces of your life are irreplaceable!
If their status says they’re in a relationship, they’re in a relationship. Don’t play dumb, listen to your friends, and extract yourself from that situation. Repeat to self: “If they’d do it with you, they’d do it to you.”
In times of negative self-talk, imagine saying the same things to your younger self. They wouldn’t deserve that. You don’t deserve it either.
When someone is treating you like shit, imagine relaying what they did to you to your younger self. How does your younger self deserve to be treated? How did little you expect to be treated by someone who purportedly loves them? They are still you. Why do you think you deserve less than they do?
Buy too many books. They’re décor. They’re reusable. They can become shared points of connection with the people you love. Just make sure you make time to actually read them. Beyond that, they’re the most guilt-free purchase there is. Excepting food. More on that later.
Tell the people you love that you love them. And often. Especially on birthdays. Stay up until midnight to text them the minute it becomes their day. Take pains to pick out or hand-make a card blackened to hell with the things you appreciate about them. Say it through the gifts you give them—the kind that show you’ve been listening throughout the past year. And just say it out loud as much as possible—any time of any day.
Lock your front door the minute you get inside. Every time. Lock your car door the minute you get inside. Every time. I hope none of you ever have to live through a violently drunk man attempting to literally break down your apartment door for seemingly endless amounts of time all while saying vile things just because he wants to get at you and your female friends after hearing your voices from the hall. And it goes on for so long that you have to call the police multiple times for them to intervene and they never check in on you or provide you an update on the what happened to the person who had been terrorizing you indefinitely :’) Our door was often left unlocked up until that day. Never again! Make it second-nature. Be safe. Don’t take any chances.
Take time before talking a conflict through. Use that time to calm down, consider the other person’s feelings as well as your own, and leave space for your eventual understanding of their intentions. Once you’ve collected yourself, focus on sharing how they made you feel and why. Don’t accuse anyone of anything. Then listen. Usually, you’ll find that what was intended is much different than what occurred. Establish what you both can do to avoid such situations in the future and foster greater understanding of one another.
Be vain when you feel good. Dress up, take pictures, and share them or keep them to yourself. Whatever suits. In the words of Moira Rose, “Believe me, one day you will look at those photos with much kinder eyes and say, ‘Dear God, I was a beautiful thing!’”
If a situation is cycling, no one is listening, and things are escalating, sometimes the best thing you can do is leave. Truly. Fully leave the location and be alone or with trusted friends somewhere else for a long while. Force the other party to confront your absence and finally sit with your words. Sometimes that’s what’s needed—your boundaries immediately enforced and you removed from the equation.
Eat shit. Life is too short and too hard to eat—or live—cleanly. Depriving yourself of your cravings is depriving yourself of deliciousness. “Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?” Yes! Thou wouldst! Life should be delicious. Maintain a well-stocked candy drawer. Eat out. Try new things. Resort to old favorites. Recover, seek balance, and build your life around whole foods, but make sure you give in to flavor when it calls. “Joy is not made to be a crumb.”
Create shared rituals with the people you care about. My sister and I just vowed to complete the New York Times Sunday crossword together over Facetime each week. One of my best friends and I dedicate many of our hangouts to crafting while watching true crime documentaries (crime and crafts, if you will). My boyfriend and I like to wind down at night by watching Unusual Memes compilations on YouTube before bed. Whenever I visit my parents, we bond over Dairy Queen Blizzards and movies. Share what you love with the people you love and make doing so a habit.
Find people who you can talk to forever and do just that. Dedicate time solely to conversation. No distractions. I’ve found that these relationships are the most beautiful, deep, and self-sustaining. It’s what I look for in love and friendship, and doing so has given me a pretty good success rate so far.
Celebrate your own company. Don’t waste time spent with yourself. It’s just as essential as time spent with others, so treat it as such. One of the only ways you can truly develop a good relationship with yourself is by spending time alone with your own thoughts—with yourself. You come into this world alone and you’ll go out of it alone. All you’ve truly got is yourself. Don’t be scared of that fact. Embrace it, and make the time spent in your own company worthwhile.
Ride out your shyness. Accept that people are going to perceive you and your nerves—especially if they’re written all over your face, like mine are. Blush deeply and then do it anyway. Even if it feels like it might, it won’t kill you. Maybe you’ll blush or shake a little less next time. And if not, you lived through it. You had an experience you otherwise would have avoided out of fear of being seen for what you feel. Just keep doing it anyway. Even if you don’t grow out of it (I sure haven’t!), at least you’ll grow.
Learn what you look like. Me, inventoried: wiry true-brown hair, big ears, big forehead, blue eyes, long lashes, unruly eyebrows, soft freckles, shape-shifting nose, tiny Irish lips, big teeth, nice collarbones, short torso, small hands, long bowlegs, stretch marks, bruises, errant hairs, bone spurs, and stubby toes. Know yourself. Accept all of it. Eternally work on loving all of it. Some related hot tips: stock up on evergreen oversized items, immediately donate clothes that don’t fit, try on the largest sizes first before sizing down, and splurge on unchanging staples like shoes and accessories that you can carry with you throughout your life even as your body endlessly changes over time.
Wash your emotional support water bottle. Apparently, we’re supposed to wash our reusable water bottles after every use—so, daily, if you’re hydrating consistently. This is, admittedly, a rather new thing I’ve learned in my 25 years. It might even be something I learned this week. Who’s to say! Anyway, I’m pretty sure my own lackluster performance in this area could account for me feeling pretty crummy for a good part of the past year. Let’s try to hold ourselves to washing at least once a week!
Forgive but don’t forget. Give people many second chances, but always remember how they made you feel. Talk to them about it if you can. Process it on your own if you can’t. Pick and choose your battles. But take stock of how they treat you over time, and if those battles start to outweigh the good times, that should inform how you proceed with the relationship.
“Life isn’t a support system for art. It’s the other way around.” Stephen King said it best. Let artmaking and art appreciation underscore your life, bolstering you and making you think differently when life is unkind or stagnant. Take in new films, visit galleries, sketch in the margins, read poetry, write stories, make something beautiful with your own two hands. You’ll be better for it. And for those of us who are artistically inclined, don’t hang all of your hopes (and fears) on artistic success. Let the making be enough. Always find your way back to that truth if you can, and be easy on yourself when you can’t. We’ll get there.
Find good people and dedicate your life to never letting go of them—even in the face of distance, rifts, or pain. But learn to let go if this work becomes insurmountable—if the relationship is no longer mutually-beneficial. Let people show you who they are and how much they value you. Act accordingly: have the hard conversations and cut off contact if necessary. You can and should seek out or provide closure if it suits you. Don’t if it doesn’t. Not everyone is deserving of your love and effort. Learning that sucks, but it doesn’t suck more than pouring so much of yourself into a relationship that no longer serves you or the other person. There will always be people out there who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. You’ll find them soon enough.
Take stock of what you’ve given yourself. Say thank you. Be proud. And continue to be here.
Prednisone. A few days after New Year’s Day, I randomly developed a rash that spread all the way down my legs, up my arms, and onto my torso over the course of about an hour. I had been feeling off due to cold symptoms, so I had already gotten a COVID PCR test earlier that day and was awaiting results. But I couldn’t just wait—it kept progressing over the course of five days, spreading to my face, hands, and underarms while becoming increasingly raised, red, itchy, and painful. I also began running a low grade fever toward the tail end of things. After multiple nurse line calls and two nurse-advised trips to urgent care (apparently full-body rashes are not something to play with!), we ruled out COVID rash (I tested negative!) and strep rash—aka literal scarlet fever (would have been super funny to start off 2022 with such an Oregon Trail-ass disease, though!). My clinic gave up on trying to figure out what I had and just prescribed prednisone so I could finally feel some relief and control my symptoms. It was seriously miraculous how quickly my normal skin started peeking through once again, clearing up more and more each day I roided up. No more waking up in the middle of the night to itch or wrapping bags of frozen peas around my kneecaps. I can happily report that I will take my last dose of prednisone tomorrow. While I’m pretty concerned about the fact that I have no answers as to what caused my body to have such an intense reaction and I don’t know what to look out for in the future, it’s very nice to be feeling more like myself again and less like a walking medical mystery.
The New York Times crosswords. Thank you to my sister for introducing me to my new obsession. I love the consistent challenge these puzzles present as well as the fact that they become progressively harder as the week goes on. It’s refreshing to feel alternately really proud of yourself and really stupidly stumped—the highs and lows of solving! And it was so fun to bond with Bridget over these bad boys during the holidays, even working through the Sunday monster puzzle as a team. If you’re looking for a way to consistently work your mind each day, I highly recommend subscribing to the NYT games section for $5/month or $40/year. They offer an app featuring the classic crosswords, The Mini, and the Spelling Bee, but you also have access to over 10,000 old crosswords and countless other games on their website. JOIN US.
Spencer (2021). This is definitely one of the best films I’ve seen in a long, long time. Fantastic writing and incredibly thoughtful symbolism. And that Jonny Greenwood score—perfectly anxiety-inducing and somehow still gorgeous. As a longtime K-Stew supporter, I was super excited to see how much she has grown as an actress. She truly carries this film, and there’s much to celebrate about the way she nailed Princess Diana’s accent and conveyed such raw, palpable emotion through her performance. But my sister put it best: it was a faithful and powerful reflection of who Diana was—not a transformation. You believe in her acting and you’re moved by it, but it’s still Kristen Stewart playing Diana. She doesn’t become Diana. At least, she didn’t for us the way some actresses are able to shape-shift into characters based on real-life subjects. I honestly think much of this take comes from the both of us being too attuned to Kristen’s acting tells or crutches. When she plays stressed—essentially the entirety of this movie as it covers the most stressful period of Diana’s life, luckily or unluckily for Kristen—her delivery is always really rushed and punchy, so it becomes a bit one-note after a while. She doesn’t quite recapture the sense of warmth and grace that marked Diana’s speech even when discussing stressful topics. Kristen neglects to let this softness show even in places where it would be natural, like when speaking to her children alone or confiding in one of the few people she trusts. All that overlong analysis being said, I would highly recommend this film to everyone* and I do think our girl Kristen does a good job—it’s just more of an effortful (though faithful!) performance than a metamorphosis. *[Please note that it graphically depicts eating disorders (specifically bulimia) and self-harm, so skip it if that is not a good fit for you!]
Clementines and oranges. It’s citrus season, baby!!! No scurvy for me.
The Saturday Night Ghost Club by Craig Davidson. My first completed book of the year! I’ve been eyeing this one since my bookselling days and finally received it as a Christmas gift. It was the perfect way to get back into reading more consistently (one of my goals for 2022) as it’s a really tight story that doesn’t waste space. I’m a sucker for a coming-of-age story—a bildungsroman, if you will—and this one hit the spot. A neurosurgeon reflects on a transformative childhood summer in 1980s Niagara Falls that introduced him to the dark truths of adulthood while hunting down spooky local oddities with a group of ragtag friends. It features a really interesting meditation on the mutability of memory and mysteries of the brain—something that dovetailed with my growing interests as a member of an editorial team at a neurologic research journal. It also just contains so much creative imagery that reading becomes a feast for the mind’s eye. Highly recommend if you’re into any of the elements I’ve mentioned above. A representative quote to leave you with: “I was scared—with that crystalline, childish fear of being caught and punished. That fear thrashed behind my ribcage like a bird in cupped hands, perhaps the last truly childlike instance of that emotion I’d ever feel. That fear is a kind of magic. As you get older, the texture of your fear changes. You’re no longer afraid of the things you had absolute faith in as a child. […] Even if your mind wants to go there, it has lost the nimbleness needed to make the leap. […] By degrees, you kill your own magic.”
Alex gave Dexter an orange hat! 🥺🥺🥺 Does he like it? I don’t think so. But does he hate it? I also don’t think so! As such, I’m running with the latter and putting it on his head for brief intervals whenever I can from now on.
