20: Why women (and men) should still say sorry
On the denigration of softness, vulnerability, and femininity.
I watched A Simple Favor a few months ago on my flight home from London. While overall I thought it was just ok, a few lines from one of the first scenes have been bumping around in my head since. For those who haven’t seen it, the movie is about Stephanie, a single, goody two-shoes mom, and Emily, the sexy, mysterious woman she meets through their respective sons’ school. Emily suddenly vanishes and Stephanie spends the rest of the film trying to put all the pieces of her new friend’s disappearance together. Early on, the two have drinks and Stephanie apologizes for something minor, to which Emily replies:
“You don’t need to do that, you don’t need to apologize. It’s a fucked up female habit. You don’t need to be sorry for anything ever.”
As I go on to say later, I think this was a bit tongue-in-cheek, but it was certainly not the first time I had heard this sentiment. In recent years, it’s become something of a trend to tell women to stop saying sorry, that it’s unfair we apologize much more than our male counterparts. And the fact that informs the latter point is certainly true — a study by Karina Schumann and Michael Ross from the University of Waterloo found that women apologize more often than men do. They reported that women tended to have lower thresholds for what is deemed as offensive, so therefore said sorry more often. Interestingly, the study notes that “there was no gender difference in the proportion of offenses that prompted apologies.”
This information seems to have snowballed over the years into a slogan for popular or choice feminism — strains of feminism that often focus on the individual rather than the collective, and view women empowerment from a capitalist and often masculine lens. Places like Forbes, NBC, and TED have all embraced this new anti-apology movement with open arms, with headlines like, “How women can stop apologizing and take their power back” and, “Why women say sorry so much, and what to say — and do — instead.” I’ve seen it floating around social media as well — it’s the type of thing that can garner likes quickly because it’s simple and seems difficult to disagree with. To an extent, I understand. I, like many women, have felt quiet and weak on more than one occasion, particularly in academic or work settings. The impulse in telling women to apologize less often makes sense — it feels like in doing so we take some power back for ourselves. Especially if you are new to feminism or just beginning to learn about gender disparities, it can feel nice to latch onto an easy, actionable suggestion that appears to defy patriarchal standards for femininity.
But one proposal in the aforementioned Forbes article (though I have heard this advice in several other places) encapsulates why I have begun to bristle at this idea so much. The author recommends that if you are late to meet someone, instead of “sorry” you should say “thanks for waiting for me.” I am not someone who is particularly uptight about punctuality — in fact, I am often running late myself. But to me, this suggestion is misguided to the point of arrogance. Thanking someone for waiting on you, even if the reasons for your tardiness were out of your control, seems to suggest that your time is more valuable than the other person’s. Again, I am rarely mad about someone being late, but what would bother me is someone’s refusal to acknowledge and apologize for that.
This, as I said, sums up my hesitance to take up this attitude. That might sound counterintuitive for me to say as someone who pretty openly embraces feminist ideology, but the issue is that telling women to stop apologizing so much is that, if anything, it perpetuates harmful gender roles and standards. I worry that what is meant to be an empowering message is actually just another opportunity to police women dressed up in feminist language. When I first heard about it, I tried to for a few days to be more cognizant about my habit of saying sorry and attempted to avoid it when I could. Instead of finding this helpful or boosting my confidence, it only served to make me more self-critical and hyperaware about my interactions with others. Women often already struggle with juggling expectations in social situations, and it seems unfair to place more of this burden on us. Perhaps, instead, we should reevaluate why apologizing is perceived as a weakness or lack of confidence as opposed to a demonstration of empathy and connection.
What I hear when someone says that women should say sorry less is that we should adopt more masculine behaviors, and move towards being assertive, dominant, and strong. While these traits aren’t inherently bad, the way this issue is framed makes them appear superior in some way, and that is troubling. I find our notions of masculinity to be very limiting — why should we also push women to adhere to them too? I would go so far as to say that a lot of what I take issue with in our culture and society, very broadly speaking, I find to be symptomatic of hypermasculinity and the glorification of being strong, independent, and powerful at any cost — but that requires a whole other essay.
Softness, vulnerability, and empathy don’t have to be “weak” traits — they only are because our culture says so. In implicitly deriding these characteristics and favoring more masculine ones, we are demonizing femininity — that seems to me more of a threat to feminism and women at large than apologizing a bit too much for minor indiscretions. This is to say instead of teaching women — or anyone else — that not apologizing, showing weakness, or conceding in any small way is the only way to be confident and empowered, why don’t we move towards making more space for others and generally treating each other more gently, even if it means saying sorry sometimes?
To clarify, I find value in both masculinity and femininity, though I look forward to a time where our ideals are not necessarily gendered. It’s just that masculinity has been the gold standard for so long and continues to be — think about how women are encouraged to do STEM or trade jobs, but men are not pushed as much to study fashion or work in childcare, or how it’s acceptable for women to dress in more masculine styles, attractive even (flannels, sneakers, baggy clothes), but you seldom see straight, cisgender men in heels or full makeup. I think a lot of the progress women have made over time has hinged on how well we can assimilate to masculinity, and that concerns me. This is not to diminish breakthroughs generations of women (notably queer and BIPOC women) have made for centuries before me — I absolutely owe a debt of gratitude to anyone who has meaningfully fought against my gender’s marginalization and oppression. I just hope that as we continue to fight for justice and equality that we can begin to do it more on our terms, without shying away from femininity but rather embracing it.
Beyond all of this, it seems almost a bad faith argument to assert that women shouldn’t apologize for, say, asking someone to repeat themselves or squeezing through a crowd. In these situations, “sorry” is so clearly being used in place of “excuse me” or “pardon,” and I think most people understand that the word is used colloquially in a variety of ways. This is particularly common in certain cultural settings. In the United Kingdom, I’ve noticed it’s extremely common for people — both men and women! — to say sorry for these sorts of minor reasons, and I don’t think anyone’s confidence or respect is ever jeopardized as a result.
Artistic merit aside, A Simple Favor makes a compelling statement. Spoiler alert: Emily is not a good person. I won’t go into details, but by the end you find out she has done some shockingly terrible things. Stephanie is no angel either, but I think it is telling that it’s the obvious villain who delivers the lines I mentioned in the opening. Emily in many ways fits the girl boss, feminist queen archetype — she is a powerful and unapologetic career woman while still being a mom and wife; a strong, driven, and uncompromising force to be reckoned with. But in the end, it is a different side to those same traits that lead to her downfall — cockiness, a need for power, and an inability to be vulnerable. If it is Emily absolving us of the need to apologize, maybe we should take note and do the opposite. Sorry!
In the realm of food and cooking, I have been loving cooking with alliums and herbs to celebrate the arrival of spring. Lots of onions, garlic, scallions, leeks, chives, dill, and cilantro. If you are similarly in a mood for these bright ingredients, I can recommend the Caramelized-Scallion Noodles or Baked Rice With White Beans, Leeks, and Lemon from New York Times Cooking or Miso Butter Brothy Beans With Scallions from Naturally Ella.
In the same vein of food, I loved Alicia Kennedy’s essay “On Veganism” this week. I have seen a lot of discourse popping up on Twitter and Tiktok lately about how veganism is a form of colonialism or its incompatibility with certain politics and a lot of it really rubbed me the wrong way. The essay importantly notes that yes, there are some White vegans out there that misrepresent the ideological reasons for the diet and lifestyle but goes into how veganism has roots in indigenous and marginalized communities. I have considered writing about the relationship (or lack thereof) between veganism and colonialism and this piece has given me even more to think about.
Two pieces I wish I would have read before I wrote my essay on creative labor — “In the Name of Love” by Miya Tokumitsu in Jacobin and “Workism is Making Americans Miserable” by Derek Thompson in the Atlantic. Both definitely clarified what I wanted to be saying in the last few paragraphs, which is that we can aspire to things outside of our work and career, and that it’s ok to want to enjoy your job but to insinuate that you need to love what you do can be a very damaging expectation. Really highly recommend these if you were at all interested in what Haley or I had to say about the matter!
This essay by Charlotte Shane felt very relevant to and compatible with Haley’s essay last week about womanhood, fear, and safety. While there are some specific points in here I don’t know if I’m entirely in agreement with, I think the subheading says it best: “Fear and rage can be an entry point into the rejection of violence against women but not the termination or sum of our collaborations.”
A lot of articles and essays this week! This one is a photo essay by Melody Rowell from NPR. It focuses on the work of photographer Karen Marshall, who set out to photograph a group of female friends as they grew up from teenagers into adults. It made me think about how precious my photos of my friends are and what a powerful source of joy they’ve been over the past couple years when I haven’t been able to see many of them. Overall, it’s a beautiful testament to the power and love of female friendships.
The weather has finally gotten nicer, so I have been loving being outside and actually getting some sun on my face for a change. Ben and I went to Kew Gardens this week and had a lovely time. It’s always so life-affirming to see green and growth after a long winter.