15: Girls just want to live alone (and have fun)
Thoughts on solitude, social bandwidth, Catholic guilt, and green velvet
In a little over a month, I will be living alone.
As someone who has lived every year of my life so far with others, this fact in and of itself is almost surreal to me. I’ve been incredibly privileged to have spent 24 years surrounded by people I love spending time with. But after 18 years growing up in my childhood home, four years sharing space with roommates throughout college, and two unexpected years back at home once again… I feel ready.
I’m not overexaggerating when I say that I’ve spent most of my life yearning to be alone. I am a very solitary, independent, introverted person. I’ve just been lucky enough to lead a life where nearly every day is shared with people who are easy to be around, so this side of me isn’t often apparent unless you know my tells especially well. I have lived through phases where I have leaned into my hermit-esque tendencies more fully (especially during a strong run of anxious, shy years stretching from late elementary through middle school), but I’ve done my best to resist self-isolating as I’ve grown into myself over time. And all for the better. Most of the things that have made me nervous revolve around social interaction, and I’ve overcome a great deal by encouraging (and sometimes forcing) myself to reach out to others and find happiness in shared experience. For a long while now, I’ve been at a place where I consistently make plans to see others and look forward to doing so, and I’m proud of that fact.
Lately, though, I have felt increasingly drained by being socially “on” day after day—by never having alone time. This has especially been the case due to quarantine restrictions. I can recall maybe three days—if even that—out of the past 365 that I was alone in my house for any considerable length of time. Given that both my parents and I work from home, there has never been a quiet moment in our house since the pandemic started. It’s becoming increasingly difficult for me to feel recharged after days spent on audio or video calls at work and juggling quality time with my parents, boyfriend, and friends—not to mention the stretches of time devoted to keeping up with people across a wide range of social media channels. I’m happy to be spending my time with those I care about most, but I’m feeling exhausted by how much time isn’t spent in my own company. My bandwidth for social engagement is finite, and I’m learning that very quickly in this new context.
That’s why I made the decision to forego another year of roommatehood and strike out on my own. As someone who hasn’t had the remotest opportunity to feel lonely in a long while (and seldom does anyway), a year dedicated to inhabiting my own quiet little corner of the world sounds like a cure-all. And yes, I am absolutely aware that I’m overidealizing living alone in a one bedroom apartment. Yet, the prospect of complete ownership of my space and time is so incredibly exciting to me that I can’t help but wax poetic about the ways in which I hope to fully embrace the year to come.
I am looking forward to continuing to push myself socially in my new living situation. After many years of unparalleled live-in companionship, I will have to be proactive about reaching out to others and inviting them into my space. I truly believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder—that in spending more time by myself, I will feel more refreshed and eager to spend my remaining free time with others. But on the flip side of things, I’m also looking forward to living life in a less “mediated” way. I mean this in the sense that I won’t have to evaluate how my day was for the sake of conversation—I’ll just live it presently and share the details with whoever I want if I so choose. This default sense of quiet, of living in a space with my own stillness or creating a space for communication on my terms, sounds incredibly refreshing to me.
Beyond this, I’m so excited to have my own space and to make that space my own. You’re all quite aware of how I feel about working out of my parents’ basement day after day. I’m very grateful to be moving into an apartment with room for a designated workspace and sunlit south-facing windows. And after moving home from college, so many of my belongings have been stuck in storage or crammed into my little childhood bedroom without much space to breathe. I cannot wait to see what kind of environment I can create with my things—both new and old—once they’re unearthed again. I’ve loved flexing my creative muscle by hunting down new pieces, playing with color, and imagining how so many disparate parts will eventually come together to form a place of comfort and inspiration. For the first time in my life, I’ll have complete ownership over my living space: a home made for me by me. Gone are the days of fully- (but depressingly-) furnished apartments where I was too nervous to put up decor in shared living spaces out of fear of bothering my roommates! Not that they would have been bothered—we were all too indecisive and polite to take charge of living space decoration duties! Ah, youth!
I have big plans when it comes to how I’ll spend time with myself. Since landing my job, I have let my social life and necessary vegetative recovery time (i.e., staring at screens) overrun my nearly all of my hobbies. When living with others, I tend to live for others a bit too much, neglecting the solitary pastimes I’m passionate about in order to spend quality time with others on their terms. I’m looking forward to finding a better balance by living alone, ensuring that I’m ready and recharged for shared experiences. I cannot wait to get back into reading, writing, drawing, listening to music, cross-stitching, playing video games, running, and watching movies other people might not like—all on my own time.
I will also need to cook and clean. This is one area in which living alone is both a pro and a con for me. My growth has been stunted in these areas ever since I’ve had the fortune of returning to the nest and living at home with my parents post-college. My dear mom and dad have taken good care of me (too good, some might say!), and it’s about time that I practice some self-reliance when it comes to mealtime and household duties. I used to find joy in cooking and cleaning when I was in college, and I’m hoping that getting my hands dirty again will bring that old feeling back. If not, tough luck for me. It’ll need to happen one way or another! That’s adulthood, baby!
Finally, and most childishly, NO RULES!!! This is my first true opportunity to live without asking for permission—without worrying about how my way of life affects anyone else. As someone who is plagued by Catholic guilt and is kind of a people-pleaser, I think this will be an almost overwhelming change of pace. I can walk around in my underwear (or even naked! GASP!) wherever and whenever I want. I can leave whenever I want. I can play my stereo at whatever volume I want (within reason; I don’t want to be evicted). I can eat really weird combinations of food at odd hours without judgment (I was quite taken with midnight salami and a side of orange sherbet over the summer). I can hang a thrifted plaque labeled ‘LARRY JOHNSON’ on my wall and fill it with stupid pictures of the people in my life who are nicest to me each month, awarding them the coveted title of ~Larry Johnson~. I will truly be the master of my own destiny. A scary thought, perhaps.
On a serious note, though, living alone is something I've earned. It’s a way of life I’ve made possible for myself through hard work, determination, and saving more than I spend. It’s a gift to myself after an especially difficult stretch. It’s giving myself higher stakes—ones I’ve proven to myself I can rise to. It’s reminding myself “I did this and I am doing it” day after day and being proud of that fact.
Many people—especially women—never live alone. Finances, safety, and loneliness come into play in a very real way when you only have yourself to rely on. I’ll likely face these issues myself, and I’ll have to be prepared to withstand them. I am sure I’ll be tested in ways I can’t expect. But I can wholeheartedly say that I am ready to to be responsible for myself and my place in the world—to shape and be shaped by my own first place. And I’m looking forward to checking in with you all down the road to see how my great expectations compare to my lived experience. Here’s hoping things are as south-facing and sunlit as they seem to be.
In the meantime, here’s a fun ~moodboard~ of sorts featuring some of the furniture and decor I’ve invested in :^) Stay tuned for more.
Thrifting. I went thrifting the other day for the first time in YEARS, which is crazy because all of my absolute favorite articles of clothing are secondhand. It was so nice to safely venture into a few spots with Anna and live in that perpetual state of surprise only thrift stores can inspire. I walked away with my Larry Johnson plaque and a t-shirt I didn’t need instead of any necessary home goods, but it’s about the journey, not the destination. Or something like that.
Dakota Johnson’s Architectural Digest House Tour. I am sure that you’ve seen Dakota Johnson’s gorgeous green kitchen by now. If not, it’s worth a Google and a watch. Her home is an underrepresented warm and inviting modern style, the aforementioned green kitchen is aspirational, and she so charmingly guides you around while poking fun at the ways AD has unnaturally dressed up her house (see: her reaction to the multiple bowls of limes in her kitchen). I have mixed feelings about celebrity nepotism, but she’s just so calm and cool and funny that I cannot help but continue to harbor a burgeoning girl crush despite myself.
“You Make Me Weak At the Knees” by Electrelane. I’m a huge sucker for an inventive instrumental song, and this one is one of my favorites. It’s light and percussive and piano-based—it just makes me feel super contented and hopeful. You’ll feel the same if you give it a listen! Those glissandos!
Franconia Sculpture Park! I visited this huge interactive outdoor art gallery in the St. Croix River Valley for the first time in five years this past weekend. Despite growing a great deal since my first visit, the park is still fully free, featuring 43 acres of challenging and whimsical sculptures. My boyfriend and I had the nicest time wandering around the park as the snow fell, enjoying the fresh air while taking in the larger-than-life art pieces. 10/10, would recommend in any season. Scroll to see my favorite sculpture of the bunch :^)
Really liked this, and especially its settles sentiments.